Story of a Girl
by madwriterontheloose
Summary: Why did Quinn agree to help in Rachel's scheme with Finn? Based off Britney/Brittany


**A/N: **Basically it's my thoughts on Quinn this episode, and I think it barely counts as Faberry. Probably one of the many of this kind of fic, haha. -.-; I hope you don't mind. Also, it's an experiment in second person and unbetaed. Anyways, I hope you get my basic idea here (I don't think I'm too subtle about it) and that you derive some enjoyment out of the whole thing. Somehow.

This is the story of a girl

Who cried a river and drowned the whole world

And though she looked so sad and lonely there

I absolutely loved it

When she smiled

"_So what do you say? You and me, eight o'clock, breadsticks?"_

You wonder what you're doing, standing in front of him and asking him out so nonchalantly. Your mouth is dry and you try desperately to keep your voice calm, summoning every ounce of composure and confidence you have inside to act like this isn't a big deal; like you don't really care either way. You do.

It's obvious why you're doing this, you try to tell yourself-you're doing this for Rachel. Because you owe her this much, and he's too stupid to reassure her himself, and because you're a good person. But then there's a little voice nagging at you in the back of your mind, telling you that there's no way you'd ever be that noble. By now you should know that you aren't a good person.

It hurts a little, when his eyes pass over you with disinterest. You're lucky. He could still be mad, and he deserves to be. You fucked up so much, and you're paying for it all the time now. It was dumb of you to think there was an exception for you; that karma wouldn't come to take its due from you sooner or later.

"Look," he says quietly, slamming his locker shut and looking somewhere around the vicinity of your nose instead of your eyes. He mumbles something about still having feelings for you and your heart traitorously lifts for a moment at that, but then he continues to say that there's someone else and he wants you to respect that. Afterwards, Finn brushes past you without another word and you're left standing alone. It seems like you're always alone, sometimes.

It's so stupid. He gave the right answer; the answer that he was supposed to. Mission accomplished. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. You see Rachel waiting eagerly some yards away, eyes filled with hope and trepidation and lips lifted in a tentative smile. She's waiting for you.

You struggle to hold back the tears, to keep up the cold face that they're all expecting from you, and you stalk slowly towards the other girl. Each step is carefully measured, and you count them all out in your head. One, two, three, four. You focus all your thoughts on the numbers like they hold within them the answers to all the questions in life. Thinking about other things keeps the sting of rejection from hitting you full force; the sharp pain of self pity and loathing from crashing down on you. Five, six, seven, eight.

When you reach Rachel at nineteen steps, you pause and clutch your binder tightly to your chest. You're holding onto it so tight it almost hurts, and you wonder briefly if it's some kind of futile gesture to protect yourself from everyone else, or to hold yourself together to keep from falling apart like a doll that's been hastily sewn together. You kind of like that image—a patchy, barely stitched together doll made in a crude imitation of a human being. But when opened up, all that's inside is stuffing.

"I said what you wanted me to," you tell the shorter girl softly, and your voice comes out less affected than you thought it would be. "He shot me down." Your throat seizes for a moment, but you blink and suck it up. "So congrats—looks like he really does love you."

You wonder if you sounded even a little bit bitter, but it doesn't matter. You need to get away. You need to be alone.

You rush past Rachel, not able to watch for a second longer as her eyes brighten and a beautiful, heartfelt smile crosses her face. You can't take her happiness. You wish for a moment that when you're miserable, the whole rest of the world at least had the courtesy to be miserable with you.

So intent are you in escape that you don't notice the body in front of you, and you crash into a boy. You bite your lip savagely, because you are _this close _to bursting into tears and you don't want the whole hallway to see, and you move past as though nothing happened. He doesn't even glance back at you.

Legs move as quickly as possible to still seem normal as you rush to the nearest bathroom. Moisture pricks at the back of your eyes, and you know that they must seem unnaturally bright. You blink rapidly. It's a relief when you finally throw open the bathroom door and there's no one inside. Just to be sure, you rush into a stall. When the door is safely shut behind you, you collapse onto the cool tile. The dams are burst open as you let out a single, choked sob. The sounds of your grief echo in the quiet bathroom almost as though you're being mocked with your own sadness. You're ashamed of yourself.

You're the one who asked for this, you remind yourself viciously, wiping at your eyes. You don't deserve to be upset over it.

And it's true. Everyone in glee knew Rachel and Finn were having issues. It wasn't hard to figure out; with the way the both of them wore their feelings on their faces. Rachel's insecurities were almost transparent—the way she made popularity such a big deal and the way she felt that Finn would eventually move on to "bigger, better things" was shown every time she gazed from afar with sad puppy dog eyes when he spoke to any girl that wasn't her. You were the one who came up to her later and offered yourself up as a test.

You'd love to say that it's because you couldn't stand seeing that look on her face anymore and because you want them to be happy. But that's total bullshit and you know it. You don't want them to be happy. You aren't that good of a person.

The real reason you offered is because you believed that there might be some chance Finn would say yes. You wanted him to say yes.

It's not because you love him. But you still wanted him to say yes.

It's no surprise when Rachel gets up in glee club, announcing that she has a song she wants to sing. It's dedicated to Finn, of course, and the brunette steps up to the center of the room with her eyes trained on the boy dressed proudly in his football gear. She gives a small smile before that angelic voice trickles out into the still air. Rachel stands alone, singing out a passionate apology and confession all rolled together for everyone to hear. Her feelings are always treated that way—let out proudly and in the open, her sadness and pain and happiness right there for everyone to see if only they looked. All around you, you can see your fellow glee members mouthing along to the words. Yours refuses to move.

_When I was younger_

_I saw my daddy cry_

_And curse at the wind_

_He broke his own heart_

_And I watched _

_As he tried to reassemble it_

Loneliness is something you know all too well.

It's something you can feel all too clearly, in moments when you're sitting with Brittany and Santana or Mercedes and Kurt and they laugh and share something that you're not a part of. That you'll never be a part of no matter how hard you try. You don't share their inside jokes, and you'll never be as close to them as they are to each other.

It's something you feel when you're at home, with a mother that's just starting to learn how to love you again. It's okay—you know that she's spent so long try to drown away all of her feelings that it'll take time for her to find them again. You know that she needs to find out who she is again after years of living in silence. It doesn't change the fact that you barely speak to each other.

Loneliness is something you feel especially at the quiet moments in your life, when you're surrounded by people and seem connected to no one. You watch as they go through their lives and you wonder if any of them even understand you or who you are or what you think about. Then you wonder if they even want to understand, and that breaks your heart just a little bit. You wonder if you matter to anyone, anyone at all. You wish with everything you have that you do.

_And my momma swore that_

_She would never let herself forget_

_And that was the day that I promised_

_I'd never sing of love_

_If it didn't exist_

Love wasn't something you've ever taken very seriously. Maybe you loved your parents, but their betrayal still stings too much for you to remember. And you know that you cared for Finn as though one would for a pet—you liked him well enough, but your feelings only ranged from affection to annoyance. The love that inspired song and books and movies, that kind of love couldn't be so half-hearted.

So maybe you've never loved anyone. This is high school. No one expects high school relationships to last forever.

_But darling,you_

_are the only exception_

But you want someone to love you. You want someone to cry over you, and care about you, and to think that you matter more than the whole universe. You want to _be_ someone's whole universe.

_Maybe I know, somewhere_

_Deep in my soul_

_That love never lasts_

_And we've got to find other ways_

_To make it alone_

_Keep a straight face_

You start mouthing the words along with everyone else, but they mean too much for you to actually vocalize them.

You may not be hormonal, but that doesn't mean you've stopped crying. It's just that the tears and the sobs are held inside, for only you to know of.

_And I've always lived like this_

_Keeping a comfortable distance_

_And up until now _

_I had sworn to myself that I'm content_

_With loneliness_

You thought that Puck might love you. But you couldn't really believe it. Someone like Puck, who probably said that to everyone he tried to bed? And if he really loved you, wouldn't he have eyes for only you? You can't believe that Puck would ever give up all of the other girls in the world just for you.

But Finn…you thought that if it were someone as innocent and earnest as Finn, maybe you could believe it. When he told you he loved you, maybe you could believe it then. Maybe then you could start loving yourself again.

You wanted him to say yes.

He didn't.

_You are the only exception_

You watch Rachel as her face twists in emotion; her every move filled with it. Rachel has always felt strongly, has always loved strongly. She fell in love quickly and hard, because Rachel wasn't afraid to feel. Puck, Finn, Jesse. Even Mr. Schuester had garnered her affections at one point. And for every single one of them, she threw her all into it. Into loving them.

You think to yourself that if it were Rachel telling you she loved you, you would have no problem believing it.

_And I'm on my way to believing._

If it were Rachel, you'd know just by the way she acted. She'd give you that breathtaking smile, just you, and you'd be sure. You'd be filled up with so many feelings at that point that you wouldn't know whether to laugh or cry or smile until the muscles of your face were exhausted. Because it'd be amazing, to have all that passion and emotion directed at you and for you, that you'd burst from it all like an explosion of feeling. You'd be so happy.

But Rachel has Finn. And you have no one.

_Oh, and I'm on my way to believing._

All you can hope for is 'someday.'


End file.
